The Bible's Weird Zoo

If the Bible were a zoo, what kind of animals would be housed in it? You might be thinking of the usual camels, oxen, horses, deer, etc., maybe even crocodiles and hippos of the Nile or elephants imported from Africa. But the Bible has much stranger beasts than these, and you won't find any of them in any zoo in the world. This is because it is impossible for them to exist.

First, dragons. We all know what dragons are, from the modern types seen in role-playing games and fantasy novel cover art, to the Asian versions with serpentine bodies and whiskery faces. We are pretty much all in agreement that they do not exist. There has never been a sighting of a giant, fire-breathing, winged lizard soaring about in the sky, and no fossil evidence exists for such (although fossils of dinosaurs may have been the origin for this and many other imaginary creatures). The Bible, however, is very clear that dragons DO exist! In the KJV, the word "dragon" occurs 19 times in 18 verses, and the plural, "dragons," occurs 16 times in 16 verses. Here are a few:

Job 30:29 I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls. Psalm 91:13 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet. Isaiah 34:13 And thorns shall come up in her palaces, nettles and brambles in the fortresses thereof: and it shall be an habitation of dragons, and a court for owls.

Oddly enough, dragons and owls are mentioned together in quite a few verses. The fact that some versions render "dragon" as "serpent" only makes matters worse, as one is left wondering why God couldn't decide what animal this is supposed to be. Given that so many Christians prefer the KJV over any other--no doubt the result of the Holy Spirit's guidance--we must assume that dragons were intended as the true meaning, and the translators really believed such animals existed, because God told them so. Or, hell, maybe all versions are correct--after all, each and every Bible has the word "holy" stamped on it in big letters, so they must all meet his approval.

The word "unicorn" appears 6 times in 6 verses in the KJV; "unicorns" appears 3 times in 3 verses. Not as popular as dragons, but I guess they were on the Ark at some point, because they are mentioned alongside bulls and lions as if they are real creatures. Other versions render it as "ox." How could the KJV translators mistake an ox for a unicorn? Why didn't the Holy Spirit slap them upside the head?

Numbers 23:22 God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn. Psalm 22:21 Save me from the lion's mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.

Yeah, and I bet they were pink, and invisible.

In Greek mythology, satyrs were depicted as small, humanoid creatures with the ears of a horse, cloven hooves, and erections so big you could use them as a coat rack. These creatures are mentioned twice in the KJV--Isa.13:21 and Isa. 34:14. Was this a Freudian slip on the part of the translators, or are we expected to believe such creatures really do exist just because they are mentioned in the Bible? One thing's for sure--you wouldn't take your children to see them!

The cockatrice is another mythical creature. It looks like a reptilian rooster, with bat-like wings, a dragon's tail, and a gaze that can turn one to stone. It is said to be the result of a snake incubating an egg laid by a rooster--utterly fantastic and silly, but there it is in the "inerrant" Bible, in a total of 4 verses.

Isaiah 11:8 And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den.

Isaiah 14:29 Rejoice not thou, whole Palestina, because the rod of him that smote thee is broken: for out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent.

Cockatrice is another word sometimes translated as "serpent" or "viper," as if the translators of the various versions didn't quite know what it really was. We must remember that cockatrices, dragons, etc., were present in King James-era bestiaries; in other words, people in those times believed such creatures to be real. Therefore, when it came time to translate the Bible, it was natural that some of these imaginary animals made it into the final director's cut. That the Holy Spirit didn't bother to correct them, makes one wonder what else was not corrected that should have been.

Balaam's talking donkey certainly counts as a weird zoo animal. I don't recall ever seeing one at a petting farm, but maybe they just weren't feeling talkative that day. In Numbers 22, we can read the rather comical story of Balaam being urged by the Moabites to come and curse Israel for them so that the Moabite army can defeat them. Long story short, Balaam agrees to go, but an angel intervenes to remind him to say only what God tells him to. Balaam is a bit slow on the uptake, though, and ends up having the following conversation with his donkey:

Verse 28 And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times? 29 And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee. 30 And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? and he said, Nay.

Here is a hint: When the animals start talking to the people, and the people talk back as if it is the most common thing in the world, we are being told that this is a fable. It is meant to be a story with a message of some sort, not a literal, historical event. The animals in a Walt Disney movie talk, as well, and they often teach children valuable lessons about love and loyalty and all that hoo-hah, but we don't for a minute believe they are real animals having real conversations.

Job 41 tells us about a creature called the leviathan. Christians have turned somersaults trying to explain how this could be a crocodile, but there is no living creature with the attributes described therein. Verses 19-21 tell us: Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out. Out of his nostrils goeth smoke, as out of a seething pot or cauldron. His breath kindleth coals, and a flame goeth out of his mouth. Now, any child knows that no living creature has such characteristics. This is not a real animal, but a mythical one, probably based on Babylonian sea monster myths.

Job 40 mentions a giant land creature called the behemoth, and again Christians try to apply the descriptions to all sorts of real animals--hippos, rhinos, elephants, even dinosaurs! That last is the favorite of people who cannot accept that dinosaurs were long extinct by the time humans evolved. But the behemoth is a mythical creature; there is no animal that has the attributes ascribed to it. Just as the sea had its undefeatable monsters, so did the land, and the behemoth was used to personify these mythical animals.

The zoo gets weirder if you include such heavenly monstrosities as cherubim and seraphim. The book of Ezekiel is lousy with cherubim, and the writer gives a description of them here:

Ezek. 19:12 And their whole body, and their backs, and their hands, and their wings, and the wheels, were full of eyes round about, even the wheels that they four had.

v.14 And every one had four faces: the first face was the face of a cherub, and the second face was the face of a man, and the third the face of a lion, and the fourth the face of an eagle.

v. 21 Every one had four faces apiece, and every one four wings; and the likeness of the hands of a man was under their wings.



That is your friendly neighborhood cherub, as depicted by poet and artist William Blake in 1803/'05--not a cute little winged baby, but a four-winged, four-faced creature covered in eyes. (Come to think of it, those "eyes" might actually be Shoggoths.) For some reason, God squats above it, wearing a dour expression and giving a "Hey, what's up?" wave of the hand. Do people still take this stuff seriously?

As if that isn't goofy enough, Isaiah decided that God's zoo needed something with even more wings, so he described the seraphim in Isa.6:2. It has six wings: it covers its face with two, covers its feet with two more, and flies with the remaining two. This isn't just weird, this is magic-mushrooms weird. It is the piece de lunatic asylum, the very last cage in the very last part of the zoo that you visit, so that you get a sense of the best being saved for last.

Here is your souvenir key chain. Please come back again for our dinosaurs-and-people exhibit. :o)